In my crisis I have two trains of thought, on one hand I feel like I should have a career and my own house with a dog and a husband (I am going to be 25 after all and that is when everyone has their lives together, right?!) Or on the other hand I feel like I’m so young and I should do something crazy while I’m single and I don’t have a mortgage to pay or mouths to feed and go teach english in Africa or Tokyo or abandon any saving account I have and travel again. I don't know where $100 will get me, but I'll try and stretch it. In my mind there is no in between and all rationality goes out the window when I’m looking back on my life and looking ahead to the future.
Traveling and living in Ireland seems like it was so long ago that it didn’t even happen, I feel like I have done nothing with my education or my passions because the experience of those being tangibly put into practice seems so far off. Currently, I am a nanny for a four month old boy. I have always enjoyed nannying and I don’t know why I now feel like it’s not good enough.
On my way to the job I love but don’t want to stay at forever, I heard a song on the radio that I have never heard before, and one I can’t stop listening to since. Thy Will by Hilary Scott. In the song she sings her soul out to God. That she, in the midst of confusion and heartbreak and can’t seem to place a prayer together and all that she is able to pray is Thy will be done.
I want that to be the soundtrack of my life. I want God’s will for my life above all else, it is sometimes so hard to see clearly and hear soundly when there is so much noise in life. And to be honest, I am terrible for canceling it out. I love background noise. When I am working out, doing the dishes, cleaning my room, driving. And I love, love, love watching TV. Seeing that as I type I feel a bit lazy, but what the heck I’ll admit it. I love it. I watch every TV show there is, I have a Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime account just to keep up with them all. There are few moments in the day when I am silent. When I tune my ear to try and discern what God is telling me. But, now I hear myself uttering those three words when I get frustrated that I can’t seem to see past my current situations. Even amidst the noise I say:
Thy will be done.
Thy will be done.
Above all else that is what I want. And who am I to say it isn’t being a nanny for right now. Heck, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, promoted to a high position with Potiphar, thrown into prison because of a rumor, and waited 2 years for God to do as He said He would to raise him up to second in command to Pharaoh. And all along Joseph believed God would do just as He promised. It is all there for us to read in Genesis. I want to be more like Joseph and believe God when He says that He is with me and working all things together for my good.
So, instead of having a quarter life crisis, I am going to have a quarter life celebration and look back and see how God has been faithful and look ahead saying Thy will be done.