Tonight I gathered with some close friends and watched the Bronco game, and as the game was on I was chatting with my brothers fiancè and my self-appointed big brother’s wife. We were talking about life and what has been happening in our lives when I realized no matter what happens, no matter where I end up, God is in control. He is with me. He goes before me and stands in victory in every battle. I don’t always live with this mentality, especially right now during the mess and the unknown, but I want to live with this mentality. I want to live unapologetically following what The Lord has for my life even if it doesn’t make sense at the moment. Even if it means moving back to Colorado, moving back in with my parents.
To catch you up a bit, I just recently moved back from Ireland after being there a little over a year into my parents house in Colorado. I had always promised myself I would never move back in after I had left, and now, six years after leaving home for the first time, I find myself back here. I know that God has a plan for me, and I know that He is working everything for good, and orchestrating something so grand I can’t even imagine it at the moment. But, through this plan that God has for me, I have free will. Free will is such a weird thing because all too often, I find myself wanting God to tell me exactly where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to do, who I am supposed to date. But it doesn’t work like that all of the time. God guides us through life, and He walks with us in our circumstances. Sometimes people hear directly from God what they are meant to do and where they are meant to go, but at the moment, I feel lost in it all, like God is giving me the freedom to choose what next steps I want to take.
I am so quick to forget that as long as I am seeking The Lord with all I am and want to glorify Him with my life, there is no way I can fall out of His will. This is the most comforting thing, but it can also be the most frustrating thing when all you want is to have a step by step guide to what is next. Like if you could have a glimpse into the future, maybe you wouldn’t be such a mess in the present. As much as I would like that, I don’t think that would clean up the mess. I have no idea where to go from here, what steps I need to take to replenish my bank account while still doing what I love. No idea how to be single in the sea of couples. No idea how to live back in the home I left. I have no idea.
But I think I have something that will help. I am going to embrace the mess. I am going to sit in the mess and be present in the stickiness of life. I am going to sit before The Lord everyday surrendering my mess to Him. Knowing that He cares about my mess, and in His eyes it is not as much of a mess as I make it out to be. And in His eyes, it is a beautiful mess.
Before we part ways I just want to let those of you who are in a messy season know that it is ok to be a mess, to not have it all together, to still be figuring it out, to be using dry shampoo every day of the week. Whatever it is, God has it. He keeps it close and walks with you and goes before you all at the same time. Really this post is me just writing reminders to myself about how it is ok to be a mess, and this post itself is a little all over the place and a bit messy, but, let’s embrace the mess of life together and savor the sweet moments and be present in the now instead of always looking to the future.